Countdown to 2045
Lots going on in my life - in a way always has - things have a way of working out despite my fear, anxiety, and overthinking.
Am not sure how my life would turn out to be, however, I just want to stay alive - not out of a sense of accomplishment or fear or obligation to anyone but to see how it turns out. To be a spectator to my own life. As a child I always hoped for a safer, better life - I couldn’t wait to grow up and move out and live life on my terms and I just want to stay alive so that I can be a witness for my inner child.
As a 28-year-old, life has not turned out the way I imagined - in both good and bad ways -
The good - I am living safely in my house, accepted for my quirks, violence and bullying have stopped; taking a gap year to attempt to pursue my dream job; have enough life savings to survive without employment for almost 3 years. shukr hai
The not-so-good - Have maybe two or three friends in different parts of the world with whom I get on call maybe twice a year. Love them but the connection is once in a while and they are busy living their own lives. Haven’t been in a relationship for the past 10 years. I thoroughly miss the intimacy - both physical and emotional. Every time I venture outside and see happy couples I begin to question my self-esteem and self-worth and it makes me sad. Not for the others who seem to be lost in their world but sad because I wish I could share the same with someone. sabr karna hoga
The countdown is till my birthday in 2045 - hopefully, I will be happy, content, and surrounded by loving friends and have a great family. If not, I hope I have the courage to take up Vipassana full-time and become a monk. [7567 days to go]