Being child-free
I know that my childhood traumas are driving this decision. Maybe I would grow to regret this decision later on when I grow old. Maybe I wouldn’t be like my father but raising a child is an immense responsibility and one which I don’t want to take up because I am not 100% sure that I have what it takes to raise a child without continuing the cycle that I grew up in.
Growing up in an abusive household - My dad was a wife-beater. I never could do anything to save my mother from his grace. I would be terrified and freeze up and later on ruminate about what I would do to my father once I grew up. I felt trapped and helpless in my own house. I couldn’t do anything to save my mother and “nobody knew” or intervened to save us. I thought maybe it was just my house that had this problem but over the years I learnt that it wasn’t just me. As a kid, I used to idolize my grandfather and was very close to him. But when I was around 10-12 years old I learnt he was a wife-beater as well. When I first heard it I remember being in complete disbelief, I could never imagine someone as nice as him to be violent. Eventually, it kinda made sense. My father had to learn it from somewhere. And it’s not just my father, many in my extended family [from my father's side] were like this - marriage was never about love, but something everyone had to get done to have kids.
Too expensive - The cost of raising the child is through the roof, and despite growing up in an upper-middle-class family, I haven’t converted my career into a high-paying job. I don’t think I would be able to provide my child with any of the amenities that my father was able to provide me and my sibling growing up.
Shackled for 20 years - Also, having a child would shackle with a partner for at least 20 years. I would be in a position where I wouldn't be able to leave at a moment's notice. It's my biggest nightmare. My whole life, I have tried to build it in a way that I would be able to leave at a moment's notice if I wanted to. With my family, with my friends, my career. Having a kid would mean everything - I wouldn’t be able to do up and leave it - my family, and job for 20 years. It feels suffocating.
Maybe I would die alone. But at-least I would suffer alone, and not hurt anyone else.