I just had an IED episode
TRIGGER WARNING - Angry outburst.
This story is about Intermittent Explosive Disorder, read more
I am a self diagnosed IED person.
- I think I always had it since I was a kid.
- I still do, but I had it as well.
- If I remember correctly, I stumbled upon this term somewhere in 2023.
- It accurately captures how I feel when I get angry.
- I have angry outbursts, and intense urge to break things.
- But fortunately, no violence.
- I don't think I'll ever be able to live myself if I do that.
- I am not usually like this.
- I am a timid, soft-spoken person almost all the time.
- Neither my friends or any of my intimate partners have not seen this side of me.
It is usually directed at my parents and brother - for things I perceived as unjust to me.
- Most of the time, the outburst happens when I am inside my room, alone.
- I keep repeating the story, my thoughts on it, and my justifications for shouting at them, and how wrong they are.
- I do this in loop, till I am exhausted away.
- Sometimes it can go for hours, sometimes on repeat rumination for days. Always end when I am completely exhausted.
- But the underlying issue usually never gets resolved because once I have calmed down, I lose the courage to speak with them in calm, measured tone to discuss my side of things.
- Actually in my family, people just have an outburst, and once they have calmed down, people just act as if nothing has happened.
- The whole thing gets swept under the carpet.
Anyways.
Coming back to today's episode.
Backstory
- Currently living with my mom and brother.
- My brothers is 100% 'raja beta' (mama's boy) as they say in my country.
- Absolutely narcissistic, intentionally-incompetent 33 year old manchild.
- My mother definitely had a major role to play, but for the past few years she's tired of being treated like a doormat and wants out.
- But she cant - (six decades of living under the patriarchy), and my brother sweet talks her into calming down and then back to usual.
- My brother is an ungrateful POS. IMHO.
- My brother will never lift a finger to do house work.
- The need to serve is so deeply ingrained, I just can't get her to stop. Not just today, but for years.
- We have a house-helps (most middle class folks in my country do. Not an excuse for our privilege, just giving context)
- Usually our house-helps comes in the afternoon to clean away the kitchen. We are supposed to finish our lunches and clean up the dishes before then. Or else, pack away the food, because that's not part of the house-help work.
- My brother always has late lunch.
- He never packs away his food. My mum has to yell at him. This happens everyday. Most of the time, she ends up doing it. 8.being the timid, 'homely' person, I feel like a lot of the work and responsibility ends up falling on my shoulders when my mom needs help.
- I don't mind, I actually enjoy it.
- My problem is that I am expected to do my brother's work as well, when my mom is tired - she counts on me because I am more reliable than him
- I absolutely don't want to do that. But I sometimes end up doing it because I feel guilty, because my mum does so much for me everyday.
- I absolutely resent her for making me do work for my ungrateful brother.
Today's incident
She had to go out for the wedding. Told me to look after the househelp. I told her no twice, I told her I'll just eat outside. But no, she wouldn't listen. Now, I was out the whole morning, came back home for lunch. As usual my brother was locked in his room without bothering to pack away his lunch. When the househelp came, it fell upon my shoulders to pack it away. I was so infuriated. Not because of the kind of work. But why I needed to do it in the first place. I felt angry because I knew this would happen. I felt angry because I felt my mom knew I would pick up the slack. She just couldn't stop being in a toxic relationship with my brother, and I am getting dragged into it. I feel like I keep getting dragged into doing things for my brother on behalf of my mum, because she cant stop treating him like kid.
That's when the episode happened. I went into such an overdrive, having imaginary conversation with my mother, where I would be imaginary screaming at her. My anger was like a volcano, I wanted to smash my phone, break something, anything.
While this was happening, one side of brain knew I was in an episode. That side of brain told me I need to focus on my breathing and stop ruminating. To focus on the present and not the imaginary scenario in my head. It didn't help.
I called my mom to yell at her. But fortunately, she didn't pick up. Thankfully. I would have regretted it.
I just walked out of the house. Househelp still at home. My brother in his room. Just left.
This past week, I have been preparing for an exam out of a study centre near my house , I just took off for that place. On the way, I completely calmed down. I stopped ruminating. This has never happened before. Usually this would have gone on for hours.
I am disappointed in myself that I had an outburst (even though no one witnessed it) but at the same time, I am glad that I found a way to instantly calm myself down. Walking away for the situation was the right thing to do. I am gonna remember this for next time.
On the way to the centre, I couldn't help but think that I would never be able to have an intimate partner, knowing what I now know about IED. That made me a bit sad, but I think it's the right decision as well.
Once I reached the centre, I opened this blog and started writing. This is the another thing I have never done before when I have an outburst. Writing about my feelings in a different location is such a great move. I am really thankful that I didn't shout at my mom.
When I go back home in the evening, it would be one awkward interaction nonetheless.